Weighing in

      Monday morning means I have to tick off my to-do list. A lot of the things on this list are workouts- this morning I weighed my self, and somehow I managed to gain 2 lbs- despite the fact that I’ve been tracking my food and exercise for the last week. This whole year has been a mess. I knew that I had gained weight when I tried on my jeans the other day- and I knew that it was probably from the road trip.. Eating crap that I don’t normally eat. I’m not trying to say that I’m fat- I’m not trying to say poor me... I’m trying to say that I’m trying to be as fit as I can be, I want to get rid of the extra weight that I’ve been holding onto this whole year. It’s only 10-15 lbs. But it feels like a ton. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and when I look at myself I realize that Yes I have put on a lot of muscle in the last 4 years, but I have also put a layer of fat which I don’t need. I don’t want to go crazy, but I need to figure out why my body isn’t responding to the way that I eat and the way I exercise. V seems to think it’s because I do the same stuff often- but I can’t imagine what else I’m supposed to do.. I do cardio, strength and yoga.. Maybe I’m not doing enough.. I don’t know but it’s really frustrating to get on the scale and see that number. The whole year that I was watching what I ate I only got down to half of my goal, but mostly I hovered...

Giving into the plan

    After so many hours of talking and tears over the past few months, James and I have decided that we are in fact going to get a divorce. It’s not to say that we don’t love each other- but the fact is that living in the same place and sometimes playing house is really just making it impossible to move forward. We want to stay friends and that really isn’t going to happen if we keep living together, half in a relationship. This is probably one of the biggest decisions and the hardest one we have ever had to make in our lives. The truth is I wish that I knew what I wanted in life, but I don’t. James has an idea of what he wants, and it doesn’t seem like that is something that we can give each other. Ultimately I think being in my own place and having to making things work on my own is going to make me a much stronger person. I want to be able to be independent and maybe someday James and I will make things work.. Either way we need to get out of this relationship purgatory and try to move forward..  We are planning to make an appointment with a lawyer as soon as possible to get the ball rolling. In the mean time I’m going to start looking for a job, first stop back at Denny’s.. (or so I think.. I would rather not have to work there, but for me to get my own place I need some money and that is fast cash for sure) The other thing is a place to live. My friends mother offered me the in-law apartment at her place. We didn’t talk about details since we were at a party, but I’m going to get in touch with her and find out how much they would want per month. The other positive is that I can bring Hydro- which makes me happy because I want to have him with me.
     As far as plans for travel and teaching I’m not really sure how that is going to play out. I think I still need to figure out exactly what I want in my life.. I know that I don’t want to follow E. around like a puppy- because her life isn’t figured out either and honestly I don’t want to be like her. I’m not about to borrow money or step on a bunch of people to get to the top of what I want.
    I know that my body has been stressed to the max for some time now, and I really want to focus on taking care of it. Not smoking, or drinking a lot, or eating crap food. I want to find balance and be able to relax for once in my life. The way I’ve been isn’t doing me or anyone else any good..

a Happy Saturday!

   The last few posts have been a bit of a bummer. I just want to clarify- although it may seem like I’m being super negative lately, the truth is I’m just writing through the process. There are just some things that you can’t make sound super positive, even when you feel like they are. For example, mentioning that I’m stuck in Jello when it comes to deciding what I’m going to do or where I’m going to live sounds super negative... however, it’s super exciting! The truth is, it’s scary to be in this space for the first time.. I’ve always known or at least had a plan for what would come next, so not knowing (as hard as that can be for someone who likes to plan things) is an amazing time! There are so many options which can be overwhelming- but it is a wonderful time for growth and new experiences. So lets move on shall we?

   This morning started off wonderfully with sleeping in until 8:30, some coffee, and some breakfast (which James made for me: sourdough toast, two eggs over easy, avocado, salsa and a little bit of cheddar, YUM) After letting everything digest for a half hour we took off on our bikes with the intention of riding the entire  paved part of the bike path- which is about 30 miles. Instead we did 16 miles which took us about 1 1/2 hours. It was getting pretty hot outside when we got to the point of going on or going home. Going home seemed like the logical thing to do, though I would have kept going if James had wanted to, because that’s how I am..  It was a great ride and I look forward to doing the whole 30 miles some time soon, maybe this week! When we got home I had to peel my sweat soaked clothes off- I ate some yogurt with banana and almond butter and showered. Ah it felt so good! 

Feeling like a guest in my own life

     Do you know when you’ve hit rock bottom? I know that I haven’t yet hit it- but I’m waiting for it, and honestly hoping for it to happen soon. I feel like if I get there I can only move upwards. I just want to figure out what my plans- my life goals should be. At the moment I just feel like I’m suspended in jello. I’m completely stuck- I have no pull one way or the other. In the last few days there have been many a conversation that has ended in screaming and crying matches. Sharing a space isn’t working out so well, and when my living plans fell through I had nothing else on the back burner. I don’t know if I should try to stay in RI and get my own place or if I should find another place to be.

Fail

 As you probably figured out- the cleanse didn’t last very long. I didn’t even make it 24 hours. By mid day I needed a coffee, I had smoked some cigarettes and ended up going out for ice cream. So the intension was good- but the follow thru not so much. Over the last few months since returning from teacher training I’ve been smoking.. I don’t even know why- but I know that it needs to stop. When I wake up in the morning I feel absolutely disgusting and guilty. The truth is that smoking doesn’t fit into my life plan. Now I don’t really have much of a plan at the moment- but I do know that I want to do something that requires me to take care of my body. I want to do yoga, I want to do silks, I want to adventure race, I want to do parkour.. None of these things will work if I don’t take care of my body. When it comes right down to it, I’ve been getting stressed out over stupid things that I have no control over. Things are tense in the house- and my plans to move to North Adams fell through, which leaves me completely lost as to what I’m supposed to do now. I know that I want to travel and teach, but I also know that I need to be able to make some money so that I can live. Sure I don’t need a whole hell of a lot.. but I have to finish paying for the car, the speeding ticket from Nevada and the credit card bill from the teacher training and the CA trip. I’m so far in the hole (maybe not as much as others)
    I’ve been trying to live with the theory that being a good person, and setting a good intension will get me through and serve me as I try to figure out what comes next. I’m open to any opportunity- maybe I’m not looking hard enough?
   As the days fly by and run one into the other I realize that I need to focus on so much more than what I’m going to be.. I want to live today, prepare for tomorrow

Detox day 1

   I eased myself into the idea of a brown rice fast last night for dinner. I had about 1 1/2 cups brown rice with 1 tbsp coconut oil and 1 hard boiled egg. I love rice but there was a trigger in my head, Your still hungry. Which is why the egg came into play. over the few hours before bed I also snacked on some plain cold rice- and my stomach growled and hurt a bit.
   This morning I went through an internal dialogue about what not actually doing the rice fast. Funny how it is something I’ve been thinking about for days. When I look around the kitchen there is ripe bananas and watermelon, there is yogurt and more eggs (something I had been craving for days on the road) - staring me in the face, But when thinking about where these thoughts are coming from- it’s my obsession with food, my thought that I’m not going to be able to have enough of these things. Really there is something to be said for the simplicity of eating the same rice and oil.  So breakfast this morning was 1 1/2 cups brown rice with 1 tbsp coconut oil, sprinkle of cinnamon and salt.  Not drinking coffee and eating rice alone along with some yoga and maybe some light cardio for the next few days is going to be tough.

Take a break, Fast!

  After 20 days on the road for the East to West Coast extravaganza, my body has been taxed to it’s max. From not sleeping enough; over loads on caffeine and protein bars of all kinds; along with free samples and whatever else was laying around; Hours upon hours of car time and finally, mental stamina to deal with these stresses and being with people 24/7!
    For a number of months my digestive system has not been working appropriately. In this time I was healing from attempting a raw food diet, and learning that the vegan diet I was living for the last 4 years wasn’t what was best for me and my activity levels, Though I’ve remained a vegetarian. The idea of a fast or cleanse has been rolling around in my head for sometime and I figured that now was perfect. As of tomorrow I am going to do a brown rice fast. It will be modified to include some greens and coconut oils-( as per advice of my dear friend Anna who is an Ayurvedic practitioner in training) but I am shooting for 3 days. 3 days to give my tract some time to heal and hopefully begin working properly once again.  Fasting can:

1. rest the digestive system
2. allow for cleansing and detoxification of the body
3. create a break in eating patterns, while shining a spotlight on them
4. promote greater mental clarity
5. cleanse and heal "stuck" emotional patterns
6. lead to a feeling of physical lightness, increasing energy level
7. promote an inner stillness, enhancing spiritual connection

I’m keeping my expectations modest. I don’t expect to lose tons of weight or feel amazing day 1. I do hope to get my body running more smoothly and getting my eating patterns to change for the better. Often times I eat out of habit and boredom- I will over eat without really having a reason or control. I want to see food as just the fuel that I need to accomplish the physical goals that I have for my future. Ultimately I want to be liberated from the hold that food and eating has held on me for more than half of my life.