Wed/Thurs

    Work went by super fast yesterday which I’m hoping flows into today. It was so beautiful when I got out- I just wanted to skip out of the gym (the first day of my “getting back on schedule!” lol) I called Paula to try and talk her into taking a walk with me so Hydro could go swimming- but she had two papers to write for school so she was out. I said Fuck it.. Just get there.. I sat in the parking lot for 5 minutes talking myself into it.. After working all day on your feet the last thing I felt like doing was doing a treadmill workout. Let me say though that I was really into the “Crazy Treadmill HIIT” workout! It was so much fun- and just like she said the time went by super fast because your always switching up the pace and watching the time.. I was definitely feeling the burn- and I kind of felt funny jumping off the treadmill to do jump squats and mountain climbers- but I got over it.. Do You feel embarrassed at the gym sometimes? 
     After the treadmill I knew I wanted to do some upper body work- this is what it looked like:
Triceps: 70 lbs- 3x 6 reps
Bicep Curl: 40 lbs 3x 4 reps (BTW I thought I had way more strength than this for the record)
Shoulder Press: 40 lbs- 3x 6 reps
Row/ Rear Deltoid: 50 lbs 3x 6 reps
Pulldown: 70 lbs 3x 6 reps (I LOVE this one.. it’s been my favorite since my swimming days :) )

Basically I just did the machines what they have at my gym- but wanted to try out the shorter rep/ heaver weight thing out.. I have to say that I was pretty exhausted when I left the gym! And this morning I wouldn’t say that I’m super sore.. but I can tell I ripped up some muscles :)
    While at the gym I missed a bunch of phone calls- most of them from James… who was asking me to go out for dinner with him. So I got cleaned up and met up with him at the house. We just decided to go to a local asian place- which is the easiest place for me to eat because I can be gluten free and veg super simply. We sat at the bar and James ordered up some Chi Chi’s which I’m pretty sure are one of the most amazing drinks.. like ever.. Coconut, pineapple and vodka- Sign me up!
    Unfortunately the dinner conversation was about “us” which lead to me crying.. alot. It’s really hard to hear the person that you love and desperately want to be with tell you that although they love you they aren’t sure that being married to you is what they want. In fact James went on to say that he will always love me etc…. but that he just doesn’t know what he wants… He made the appointment with the lawyer for next Monday :( There were other long winded things said as well but lets face it- I was full of vodka and I’m pretty sure that as much as I want to talk about it, you probably don’t want to read about it.. Though it is my blog- and if you don’t want to read it you can just stop.. lol
     When I got to work this morning (Thurs) I was a pretty big mess.. Maybe it’s because I’m going to be getting my period soon or whatever- but I was fucking emotional.. I’m talking between waiting on tables I was running in the back crying my eyes out. I don’t know if everything is just hitting me for real now- or that everything just SEEMS more real after talking to James last night. All I know is that I’m hitting bottom for sure now.. For a while I was saying that I hadn’t hit rock bottom…. and I still think thats probably true- but I think I’m getting closer… and FAST.. The truth is that I always expected that James would be there for me.. and it’s not that he’s disappearing from my life- but I just feel like no matter what I do or say its the wrong thing. I cried on and off for the first 2 hours of work- I text messaged James to tell him how I felt, and all he had to say was “ This is what is it right now and your going to have to accept it” Well I was pretty hurt by that to say the least.
    I have decided that I’m no longer going to reach out and contact him. As much as it hurts me and as much as I want to- he needs time.. and I’m pretty sure that time isn’t going to change his mind- which fucking sucks. I feel like I have ruined my life.. I feel once again lost and hopeless.. I know that I have my friends to depend on which has been my one saving grace. Bottom line is that if James wants to be done with me- there is nothing I can do.