37:16

The amount of time it took me to complete my at home workout this morning. There is STILL ice on the windows of the car and it’s 9:30 people! I didn’t want to get bundled up to hoof it to the gym and came across this workout on Pintrest- Super simple- but challenging for 5 rounds!

30 Jumping Jack
5 Push Ups
25 High Knees
7 Burpees
10 Crunches
7 Squats
5 Push Ups
10 Crunches
5 Push ups
7 Squats
30 Jumping Jacks
1 Minute Wall Sit
5 Push Ups
25 High knees

I definitely got nice and sweaty- and can now get ready for Halloween!!! Happy Happy Halloween!

On friday Paula and I practiced some Sugar Skull face painting- which I plan on doing for tonight while I hand out Candy with James. (I’m trying to convince him to let me do it to him too!! ) Seriously I had way too much fun with this face painting..  I feel a photo project coming on.. I’m going to go for a bit of a different design tonight- and I’m planning to get the white face paint too.. I’m super excited!!!! 

   What are your halloween plans?

Just a quick check in..

    Since Friday things have been pretty busy around here. James and I were throwing our 3rd Annual Pumpkin Carving party- so Friday we went to the grocery to pick up supplies, grab some stuff to make dinner and got to work! We had some grilled Pizza for dinner to fuel up and then got cracking on that Mac and Cheese and a couple calzones (We made a spinach and cheese and an italian style) But left the pizza monkey bread and candy sushi for Saturday.
    James had his motorcycle class bright and early- and as soon as I got up I made coffee and breakfast- then called Paula for the candy sushi making.. It was a huge success- and man is that stuff tasty:

Super cute :)

We made a double batch of rice crispy treats, and used every last bit of it- It turned out to be a full cookie sheet full of crispy treats by the way.. I headed home to clean and make the monkey bread and people started showing up around 5pm. and we had the biggest turnout to date! Check out these pumpkins:

Mine is the one in the very middle of the top row :) 

The rest of the night.

    Hanging out with my mom this afternoon went really well.. She and I don’t really have the best relationship out there- not to say that we don’t get along, but we are just not very close you know? See my dad was the parent that stayed home with me while my mom worked… So I had all of the fun and good times with him- and my mom worked all day- then came home and yelled at me to clean my room or whatever.. I don’t really know exactly what made us not have a “Gilmore Girls” Mother/Daughter relationship- but either way, it’s always hard for me to open up to her.
    As I said I got a coffee the size of my leg and we chatted it up for a good two hours while I sucked it down… Unfortunately the caffeine didn’t really do much for me- but I got home and made some dinner before heading off to teach yoga tonight.
    As always I had a great time teaching my girls- and good news!!!  I have a new victim hooked :) It’s so great to see people willing to push themselves to the limit!! Not only are they amazing and do a great job- they always keep me laughing! I don’t care how tired I am or how much I wish I could just sit home and rest on the couch- I’m ALWAYS glad that I get to teach them.. They are amazing woman…
     On a similar note- I’m hitting the gym in the morning with Paula- not at early as this morning… more like 9:15 and I need to look for a workout for us. That’s pretty much my whole plan for day- but later on James and I are getting together to go shopping for the Pumpkin Carving party that we are having at the house on Saturday- and making some dinner while we prep the food…  So far I know I’m making:
-Homemade Mac and Cheese
-Pizza Monkey Bread
-Chips and Salsa
-Dessert Sushi (which really has nothing to do with anything except that I really want to make it and it’s a great excuse!) :)
 
   I’m looking forward to having a bunch of people hang out, having some drinks and carving a kick ass pumpkin!!

Early morning Training

   I am absolutely exhausted right now! Last night towards the end of Wine and Cigar night Paula and I made plans to hit the gym SUPER early.. Well I guess it’s not that early- we met there at 6:30- so I could squeeze in the workout before work.. Here is what we did:

-Treadmill- 10 minute warm up
- DB squats (a total of 6 sets declining)- I made mine into SuperSets with 30 jumping jacks between each
- 1/2 mile on Treadmill
-DB lunges (a total of 6 sets declining)- Made into Super sets with DB over head pressed between (4 sets total- 2x 20 and 2x 10)
-1/2 mile on Treadmill
- 20x decline bench crunches
-10x squats
- 20x roll ups
-10x squats
- 12 each side- side plank lifts
-10x squats
-20x table top leg- crunches
-10x squats
   Overall it took us a bit over an hour to complete and I had just enough time to say by to Paula and jump in the shower to get to work ( I still was 15 minutes late but that it normal and totally doesn’t count!)
     Denny’s was SLOW and the day really dragged by.. Now I’m off to Starbucks to hang out with my mom for a bit- maybe drag her to Trader Joes with me- before I teach yoga tonight. It’s already been a long day and I’m SLEEPY! Good thing I’m going to get a coffee the size of my left leg..

What was your workout?

Over thinking

   I’ve started to post at least 5 times since my last update- but each time I get a paragraph or two in- I start to change my train of thought. Then I realized that this was the problem.. I was over thinking everything that I wanted to write about- and what I had started seemed like it didn’t make much sense- or it was stuff that I have already mentioned a million times before. Each day I think about much of the same things- my relationship with James, my relationship with food, with my body, with my friends and family. Think. Think. Think.. Probably one of the biggest problems I face is the amount of time that my brain runs free thinking about each and every little detail…
    I’ve talked about the art of letting go a few times- it is certainly something that I have no mastered.. not even close.. but I work on it every single day. Over the last few days since I’ve posted- James and I have talked a lot. One of the main things that I’m working on is really being patient. This as you can imagine is also not an easy thing for me to accomplish. Truth is- I want things done in my time…
     I’m refocusing my energy where I can- by working out- and training Paula along with that, by reading books, by watching Felicity… I feel like it’s really a fine line between refocusing and ignoring… I’m grateful for my friends and the fact that they hang out with me daily and listen to my constant babble- and I’m thankful for Hydro- his fury face always brings me a smile. Truth is, I’m extremely lucky to have the people in my life- who love and care about me as much as I do them… without them I would be lost.
    Through all of this I’ve learned to depend on these people- but mostly I think I’m learning to depend on me. This has been a tough 5 months- I’ve learned A LOT! I hope to continue to grow and learn and be able to be a better person each and everyday :)

Yell it out- at a random rude stranger.

… Today was a beautiful day- filled with falling fall colored leaves, sunshine and a light breeze. I woke up at 7- even though I didn’t go to bed until 1:30 this morning, and made my usual morning coffee and oatmeal with blueberries, coconut, chia seeds and almond butter :) I watched Felicity on Netflix while I ate and drank the coffee and tried to decide what I wanted to do workout wise.. I ended up going with Pilates because I haven’t been going and I really miss the core blasting burn! Class was awesome- I came home for some snackage and  cleaned up.. Even though it was so nice out I found my self on the couch watching more Felicity because I’m addicted to it and have watched almost all of the seasons over the past few weeks (I feel like a loser!) Finally I decided that I should take advantage of the day and knew that Hydro would love a swim.. so I packed him into the car and called Paula to drag her along. She lives next door to the parking lot where I usually start my walk- so she agreed to walk over and meet me. I pulled into the parking lot as per usual and some random guy started yelling at me.. the exact words, “Slow the F*** down!”
     Now lets get something straight.. First of all I drive a standard- which means I can really control my speed… Second of all it’s a Toyota Yaris…

Exactly like this one (same color and everything, isn’t he adorable?!) Third- I was pulling into the lot from a stop.. so I barely made it to 2nd gear.. I was driving no more than 15-20 MPH.. Not fast by any stretch of the imagination.. Of course I was pretty mad that this guy was yelling and swearing at me- I’m just trying to take my dog for a swim damn it! I leashed Hydro up in the car- instead of letting him run lose like usual.. and got out just standing and waiting in the lot for Paula- while looking for the guy that was so tough, haha. He didn’t show his face until after Paula showed up and by this time my blood was pumping, my heart literally pounding out of my chest.. I know what your thinking.. who cares, why didn’t I just let it go? Well the long and short of it is that I used to have a really bad temper.. I’m talking super short fuse- anything would send me in to a screaming rage.. I’m not proud of it- but I had a lot of anger and didn’t know how to deal with it at the time. Anyway the Coco is long gone- but today she came out in full force. 

     As soon as I seen him come around the corner (there is a building that used to be a restaurant and a day care and is now nothing but apparently this dude has now bought the place and is turning it into another failing business) I started walking towards him. I simply said “I don’t appreciate you yelling and swearing at me for no reason, I wasn’t driving too fast and it was uncalled for” Well that started a screaming match between the two of us and I was pissed. I couldn’t believe that this grown man would yell, scream and swear at a girl half his size. I’m not going to go into the gory details of the words exchanged.. because they are definitely not PG and like I said.. old Coco was out… so it was bad.. Haha- At one point he told me he was going to call the cops- now I’m not sure what he thought they were going to do.. but he also said he was going to show me a lesson.. so I thought best to NOT leave my car in that parking lot- ever again. I got Hydro and Paula in the car and we parked down the road… It’s funny now- but I can’t believe that I got that pissed and literally put myself in a really bad situation. Thankfully I had Hydro with me the whole time and he looks pretty mean- even though he would just lick you to death I know that he that dude tried to do anything he would have totally bit him. Plus Paula was looking on with her phone out and ready.. 

    Either way I don’t like to see that side of myself come out. I have worked really hard to be the person that I am today- and I know there is much more work to do.. especially after the way I acted today. I think that the old Coco came out because of all the other crap that is going on in my life. Things seem to get harder each and every day- and I’m pretty sure that I don’t know how to handle it- which is why I lashed out. a few hours later.. James and I fought on the phone… he said some really hurtful things… Things I never thought I would ever hear from him. Each and every time I feel like things are getting better they just get worse. I’m not trying to be a downer- but this needs to be my place to let these things come out. I feel like I have no other way to let them out. I feel like I have no one to talk to who can truly understand or who wants to hear another tale of the Coco and James show. I feel like one of those girls who just is making stupid decisions by staying in the situation.. but I don’t know what else to do.. 

   Both of us are hurting. Both of us need to communicate better.. I hate feeling alone- and worse I hate feeling like I’ve lost my best friend.. I know that things will never be the same between us- and I just don’t know if there is anyway that we will be able to come together and both be happy. Right now I feel like I will never be completely happy with him ever again. But the feelings are still raw- the wounds are open and infected. I tried calling my Dad and talking to him about everything but he kind of made me feel worse. Not that that was his intention- but I guess I was just looking for someone to be on my side.. Not that it’s about sides- but in the moment I just wanted someone in my corner. You know? 

    I’ve made such a mess of everything- and now here I am.. in my own apartment with Hydro.. alone. Sometimes I feel so alone- like no one will ever love me the way I deserve to be loved- like the person that I am is so hard to deal with that no one will ever love me for me.. I struggle each and every day to like the person I am and I hope that one day I will love myself. I want to heal.. I want to be able to be proud of myself. I want to live life and make something of myself. I want to know who I am.

Friday night fight.

   Just got home from having drinks with James and his friends. I dragged Paula out with me because I needed the support. One of the dudes that was there was a total douche bag- running his mouth and say stupid shit that no one really wants to hear. Not gonna even try to lie about it- I told him off.. No one wants to hear the stuff that is coming out of your mouth.. no one- not even the friends you came with.  Haha.
   It’s so strange to be surrounded by people that you don’t really know sometimes. Especially when your struggling in your relationship- and you add alcohol to the situation. I can’t help but be sad and jealous when James talks about spending the weekend in Block Island with them- a place that we spent our two year anniversary. I wasn’t invited.. and now he has a whole new set of memories with a whole new set of people. I can’t help but feel sad about the way our relationship has shifted- even if I was the one who kind of set things in motion. I can’t help but want things to go back to a somewhat normal state- that I want to go back home- in our house. I can’t help but to feel like things are inevitably going to be over… For a while I really felt like that was what we both wanted- and now, knowing that I don’t want that to be the case- and I know it for sure, I feel like it’s all coming up anyway. I’m really having trouble letting go and letting things run it’s course.. Even though James tells me that he loves me- I can’t help but wonder when he’s going to call it quits..
    More than ever I need to find support in friends and in myself. But, lets face it- it’s really hard to be alone. I HATE it. I’m very thankful that I have Hydro with me- he helps me feel like I have someone by my side.. and even though he can’t talk to me to give me comfort- he comforts me when I’m the saddest. He snuggles on the couch and gives me that love that I need. Writing has been a huge help for me as well- and sometimes I feel like it helps me more than anything. There is something about putting your feelings into words- sometimes just letting your fingers run over the key board- typing what your mouth is too afraid to put into words.
    My life feels like a mess- a puzzle that has been tossed upside down- pieces flying everywhere.. some never to be found and placed back into their positions. I constantly question everything, I’m always second guessing myself, I’m always unsure..

I suddenly had this epiphany..

    The tighter grip only causes you to slip further from me. The more I try to prove myself to you- the more I have to prove. The only way this thing will work itself out is if I let go- I mean really let go of it completely. I just don’t know how to do that- and I’m scared of it. I know that really letting you go, really giving into everything you want, means that you might just not want me back.
    I’ve been working hard to work on me. I’m making a commitment to eating right, working out, etc.. But I’m letting go of the crap that clouds what really is going on. For the past 6 months (I have mentioned this before) I have been smoking cigarettes, I’ve been over eating, I’ve been stressed out and dealing with things in this way. But I haven’t smoked since last Saturday- almost a week- and I’m fine.. It’s not like I was a heavy smoker, but my friend smokes and I would hang out with her and smoke 2-3.. I bought a few packs durning the 6 months as well.. and would justify it by saying that I’m stressed and that it’s only a few. But thats straight up bullshit. Seriously. Yes I enjoy smoking once and a while but it’s so fucking stupid.. I don’t want to be a smoker.. even one that is a social smoker. So I’m done.. There is no need for it- and if I can’t work through my stress in a more healthy way (like sweating it out like a mofo at the gym) then I need to become a stronger person.  The end.. as Jason would say "NO OPTION”
    On Wednesday I went to a holistic counselor for the first time. Since it was the first visit it was more like a brief overview of why I was there- and that I wanted to come out of it. She picked up on the fact that I depend on James, maybe too much, quickly.. And I realize that even though he is the reason that I finally choose to see and talk to someone- it has nothing to do with him. It has nothing to do with us. It has everything to do with me and the things that I do to myself. Sure I don’t starve myself anymore, maybe I don’t step on the scale every single day, but I think about my body and I feel uncomfortable in it every single day. Even though I have just met her the one time I feel like I can open up to her which is really nice. I really feel like this is going to be a very positive thing in my life and I look forward to working through all of the crap that I’ve got going on. I told her that one of the main reasons I was going was that I wanted to work on my eating disorder. I’m sick of dealing with it. Let me just say that I know it’s going to be something that I live with forever… it’s my addiction- but I want to be able to deal with it in a healthy way and try to move past it. 15 years is too long.. Surprisingly she said that we probably won’t talk about it much because she feels that it is a bi-product of the stuff that I’ve been through in my life. She said that I have been through much more than most at my age- and I’ve heard that before.. But when I look back on my childhood- yes there were some things that really sucked, things that I know weren’t the best, but I know that my parents always loved me.. I alway had the things that I needed and the things I wanted. They did the best that they could possibly do. I don’t want to blame them for how I turned out.. at all.. And she wasn’t saying that was where she was going.. in fact she just said that these things are needing to be addressed and worked through so that we can move on.
   The main thing she said about “treatment” is that I need to be more grounded.. I’m in my head too much- lol.. that’s the truth! I’m really looking forward to working with her- and will definitely keep you updated.

   

Lets update!

     It’s been forever- I’m slacking off- what’s new, huh? Ha ha :) The last few weeks have been filled with time spent with friends, James, work and the gym. Work has been going well and I just picked up another yoga class- Tuesday nights, 1 hour, $55 no matter how many students there are (Which works out because there are usually only a handful of students) Plus there is word of a local business looking for lunch hour pilates 2 days a week (which would yield $55 a class) So I’m keeping my ears open!
   At the gym I’ve been included weight training and dragging my friend Paula with me. I have to admit I was really scared about lifting weights- I’m naturally a muscular kind of girl- and I don’t want to look overly bulked up. However, I really wanted to change things up and work really hard to shed this protective layer of fat I’ve been building. So that means building muscle! Paula has been a good sport and even though she complains the whole time she does it anyway- and it really helps me keep going.
    James and I have been spending a fair amount of time together and I’ve been really happy with it. The other day I brought my wedding rings to him- and told him that I want him to keep them and give them back to me when he wants me to come home- which I’m hoping will be sooner rather than later.
    We have decided to have our annual pumpkin carving party- next weekend October 22.. which means I have to get to work planning!!

Finding strength within

     Thursday while at work I got a text from Adi (my friend and teacher from the Yogaslackers) about the retreat she and Chris were running this weekend. Earlier in the week she had sent and email to the fellow East Coast slackers and myself about coming to help out at a discount. I had told her that even at a discount I still couldn’t afford it- although I totally wanted to go. The text Thursday was to tell me that if I could come I could just pay for food and climbing they both wanted me to come. Really- I shouldn’t spend any extra at this time- but each time I’ve gone in the past  (twice last summer) I had an amazing time.. So I agreed and headed out Friday morning to the Delaware Water Gap in PA. I got there at 3:30pm- just in time for handstands on handstand blocks This contraption is used to work grip strength and the idea of using your fingertips for balance in a handstand. 5 tuck ups and 5 straddles- that will wake the body up! People started to arrive around 5:30 and we hung out and prepared dinner while they all set up tents and got settled in. We had this amazing potato leek soup that Chris made for dinner and had a camp fire complete with s’mores :)
    Saturday morning started out with a great yoga class with all of us jammed into Chris’ living room (it was raining and so we had to move indoors) had some hang out down time and rounded the day out with more yummy food, acroyoga and thai massage. It was still raining, hard- so we all camped out in the house instead of tents…
    Sunday came quickly and there was still some rain and dampness to deal with- but lucky enough it stopped early enough for us to still be able to do some rock climbing. But first we ate!! I’m talking about gluten free chocolate chip banana pancakes, scrambled eggs with spinach and cheese and pounds of fruit. I ate like a horse!! We packed up our cars and drove to the climbing spot. It was the most amazing time I’ve ever had climbing… ever.  Chris told me that should couldn’t believe the change in me- my confidence in my climbing and towards myself. Funny thing is that I hadn’t been purposely doing anything differently- the changes on the outside and my outlook on things are truly radiating from within- and to me that means that I’m doing something right.. I learned a huge lesson and so much about myself as I was hanging on the rock face- and I’m confident that it was enough to keep me working towards the person that I want to be, the person that I already am- but that I am working to realize each and every day.
    For some people rock climbing is terrifying- and I’ve definitely have had those moments where I have broken down and cried because I was scared and wanted to be on solid ground. But this weekend there was a break through- Instead of trying to control the rock (control my mind, feelings and emotions) I just could feel the new found confidence that I could over come the obstacle- all I need to do was breathe and look around… Everything in life deserves a second look.