Just got home from having drinks with James and his friends. I dragged Paula out with me because I needed the support. One of the dudes that was there was a total douche bag- running his mouth and say stupid shit that no one really wants to hear. Not gonna even try to lie about it- I told him off.. No one wants to hear the stuff that is coming out of your mouth.. no one- not even the friends you came with. Haha.
It’s so strange to be surrounded by people that you don’t really know sometimes. Especially when your struggling in your relationship- and you add alcohol to the situation. I can’t help but be sad and jealous when James talks about spending the weekend in Block Island with them- a place that we spent our two year anniversary. I wasn’t invited.. and now he has a whole new set of memories with a whole new set of people. I can’t help but feel sad about the way our relationship has shifted- even if I was the one who kind of set things in motion. I can’t help but want things to go back to a somewhat normal state- that I want to go back home- in our house. I can’t help but to feel like things are inevitably going to be over… For a while I really felt like that was what we both wanted- and now, knowing that I don’t want that to be the case- and I know it for sure, I feel like it’s all coming up anyway. I’m really having trouble letting go and letting things run it’s course.. Even though James tells me that he loves me- I can’t help but wonder when he’s going to call it quits..
More than ever I need to find support in friends and in myself. But, lets face it- it’s really hard to be alone. I HATE it. I’m very thankful that I have Hydro with me- he helps me feel like I have someone by my side.. and even though he can’t talk to me to give me comfort- he comforts me when I’m the saddest. He snuggles on the couch and gives me that love that I need. Writing has been a huge help for me as well- and sometimes I feel like it helps me more than anything. There is something about putting your feelings into words- sometimes just letting your fingers run over the key board- typing what your mouth is too afraid to put into words.
My life feels like a mess- a puzzle that has been tossed upside down- pieces flying everywhere.. some never to be found and placed back into their positions. I constantly question everything, I’m always second guessing myself, I’m always unsure..