Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Post counselor reflection

   I’ve mentioned that I’m seeing a counselor, Stacy, in the past. I think I even have written about some of our conversations and a few of her recommendations (like getting treatment for my ADD and learning to slow down when I’m eating) Seeing as Stacy is a holistic practitioner it may seem a bit weird that she wants me to seek treatment in the form of medication for the ADD- but I’m just going with it for now. I’m  curious to see if there is a lot of improvement through medication- which will ultimately determine whether or not I will continue of course. So anyway I’ve decided since my memory is shit and I always feel a little under the weather after I sessions (mostly because it brings everything up and out to the surface right in my face which right now can be a bit overwhelming- leaving me a blubbering mess when I walk out the door and drive home) that I need to start reflecting on the session- not only as a way to sort all of these feelings out, but to get it out of my system so I can be productive in doing the work that needs to be done. So take what you will from it, read it or don’t… but the purpose is 100% honesty…

      Today is just a overall gloomy day. It was the first time it snowed and stuck and even though it was just a bit more than an inch there is this heavy atmosphere that comes along with it. The sky is super gray the snow has disappeared into slushy mud and it just makes you want to stay curled up under the covers with some coffee or tea and waste the day away. I always seem to get to the office early and today was no different. Even though I am early I get anxious on the drive in… I drive faster and more chaotically than normal and rush to get there, but when I do I’m 10 or 15 minutes early which means I have to wait. The office is welcoming and warm- a pale yellow paints the walls, mediation cushions are stacked in one corner, a tea station by the window, a few large house plants which are kind of wildly growing out of their pots, and 3 chairs and a bookcase. I always sit in the first chair on my left which is set in front of the bookcase. There is a clock ticking loudly and as I peer around the room I notice how silent it really is and it is almost uncomfortable. Usually I scan the bookcase in search of something to pass the time, and today was no different. None of the books appeal to me though. There is a stack of Yogajournal magazines on the floor next to the books and I search though to find something to read. I flip the pages, I read the headlines and maybe a few sentences into the articles before I just continue on. Nothing can hold my attention right now. I listen to the clock tick, god it’s so annoying isn’t it? I see that she is a few minutes late to come out to get me which irritated me.. and finally she opens the door and I’m allowed to come in.
     First things first, she is ready for business with a clip board in hand holding a form that will allow her to share information with the ADD clinic- information that they thought might be helpful; the reasons she wants me to get treatment. Over the next 10 minutes we try to figure out the logistics of the form- which I could care less about. Why is she doing this now? It’s just cutting into the time that I have to talk to her. I feel agitation growing and I just want to get it done.. Finally we finished and she says, “filling this out has shown signs of ADD” I’m not sure what good it will do me to hear that- but it makes me feel weird, like I did something wrong. I just want to move on really, but she decides that she will tell me what she is writing on the form- which makes me feel worse. It’s nothing bad really, it’s just that hearing these things written and read aloud to you make the words sharp and hurtful.
   That is finally done but as the session continues, the cuts slice deeper. I bring up the conversation that I had earlier in the day and I fight back tears, which eventually win me over. I’m feel like I’m being pushed down, I’m having to defend myself and I’m being asked to settle. All vague- but it would take a lifetime to explain them all in detail so that’s for another day. But right now I feel frustration. Why doesn’t he hear me, I mean really HEAR me when I’m talking to him? Why does everyone have to ask me concrete questions and really expect a concrete answer when I’m floating in this space of the unknown?
     We move on to this weeks body issue struggles. It’s been a tough one. I weighed myself and was shattered- The number will never be what I want it to be, and really I know that it doesn’t matter, but yet it does. It sends me spiraling for the rest of the week- and once again I’m frustrated that I just can’t be where I want to be. I workout. I eat well. I drink water. I try to find some balance. and yet I feel like I’m being punished. Stacy asks about my exercise and food intake, and we talk about getting protein and healthy fats- things that I already know and I’m working on. She tells me that I am obviously strong- and I say “ What does it matter if I’m strong or if I get stronger when it’s not the physical that I need to improve” I need to be stronger emotionally- but I can’t go to the gym each day for that…
    Somewhere in there we talk about Jason and how we was truly the first person who saw my potential and kept on me to allow it to come through. I will always be thankful to him for that- but I feel like I’m abandoned by all of my Yogaslacker friends. Stacy tells me that she’s on my side and wants me to figure out my path. She asks me if there is anyone else in my life who 100% supportive of just that, and unfortunately there is not.
    At the very end of our session Stacy tells me that in treatment we have to start with the most basic of the problems, For me that is ADD, and continue to work in towards the other more pressing issues, but this takes a good amount of time. I never had the nurturing that allowed me to self actualize. She tells me that she fears that I will become impatient and say “Just fuck it” (her words not mine) and stop coming- and that she hopes I don’t do that. She tells me that she has had similar struggles and that it is possible to change- but I must be patient… this is something that I don’t posses at least not yet. She tells me to be compassionate to myself and the process as I walk out.
    It’s so much STUFF.. as I get into my car to drive home I realize that I really do just want to keep driving. Just drive and drive until I’m completely in a new place, I can be brand new. I feel sad, and defeated and I really want to take a nap. Who said therapy would be easy?

No comments:

Post a Comment