Yesterday after I posted I went to my counselor (which was perfect timing- since she had asked me to switch my normal appointment this week) We talked about how I was feeling about my body that particular moment- and together we figured out some triggers of my eating and body issues. I have never had any control over my surroundings- being born, what parents I had, the way I was raised, etc.. (not saying that things were bad… just that I dealt with a lot of my parents depression and relationship stuff that I shouldn’t have had to- I was ALWAYS taken care of; given the things that I needed or wanted; and was loved…) The one thing that I could always control was my food.. and what I did to myself- so it’s interesting to learn these things.. and realize that moving back home has triggered this feeling of not being in control.. Let’s be real, we never have control over some things. I’m working to be in control of my space but not be controlling. Time and practice!
We also got out the yoga mats and did a bit of movement, focusing on bringing my attention into my body- doing what my body needs and not what my brain or muscle memory always does out of habit. It was really hard for me to tune in and hear what my body NEEDED.. Especially because I tend to have a yoga practice that is very energetic- and includes a lot of movement… Not really much time is spent in Childs pose- or focusing on my breath. Again this stuff will take a whole lot of time to change but I feel like this is the right direction.
Over the last weeks, I have grown to really appreciate that I have found my counselor Stacy. She is a Holistic counselor with a background in yoga. I never feel like she is judging me or that I can’t tell her something and that’s pretty amazing :) The truth is mental health has always been this gray area- if you tell people that you are going to a counselor or that you have had depression, there is a lot of judgement there. I have gone through a whole lot in my life, and I know that so many other people have as well- if there is someone or some way that I can work through this stuff and lead a happier life, understanding who I am.. then I want to do that! I never want to go back to some of the things I used to do- I want to continue to move forward and better myself. Not for anyone else, for me :)