After so many hours of talking and tears over the past few months, James and I have decided that we are in fact going to get a divorce. It’s not to say that we don’t love each other- but the fact is that living in the same place and sometimes playing house is really just making it impossible to move forward. We want to stay friends and that really isn’t going to happen if we keep living together, half in a relationship. This is probably one of the biggest decisions and the hardest one we have ever had to make in our lives. The truth is I wish that I knew what I wanted in life, but I don’t. James has an idea of what he wants, and it doesn’t seem like that is something that we can give each other. Ultimately I think being in my own place and having to making things work on my own is going to make me a much stronger person. I want to be able to be independent and maybe someday James and I will make things work.. Either way we need to get out of this relationship purgatory and try to move forward.. We are planning to make an appointment with a lawyer as soon as possible to get the ball rolling. In the mean time I’m going to start looking for a job, first stop back at Denny’s.. (or so I think.. I would rather not have to work there, but for me to get my own place I need some money and that is fast cash for sure) The other thing is a place to live. My friends mother offered me the in-law apartment at her place. We didn’t talk about details since we were at a party, but I’m going to get in touch with her and find out how much they would want per month. The other positive is that I can bring Hydro- which makes me happy because I want to have him with me.
As far as plans for travel and teaching I’m not really sure how that is going to play out. I think I still need to figure out exactly what I want in my life.. I know that I don’t want to follow E. around like a puppy- because her life isn’t figured out either and honestly I don’t want to be like her. I’m not about to borrow money or step on a bunch of people to get to the top of what I want.
I know that my body has been stressed to the max for some time now, and I really want to focus on taking care of it. Not smoking, or drinking a lot, or eating crap food. I want to find balance and be able to relax for once in my life. The way I’ve been isn’t doing me or anyone else any good..