Sunday, July 10, 2011

When what you want is 50/50

   Time and time again the same thoughts go through my head. “Which path is the right path?” I wish I had a crystal ball to gaze into the future- that would make the decision so much simpler. How can I want two very different things at the exact same time? There is nothing worse then not being able to make a decision. It’s not as simple as choosing which toppings I want on my pizza or what I want to have for dinner tonight.  It is so much more than that. One choice is to stay in my marriage- settling in a sense for what I have, albeit making it better. The other is casting everything that I have in favor of following the Yogaslackers way of life- the life of no consistency, no stability, but one that is fueled by my passion for the practice. Not knowing where I will sleep from night to night or where my next meal will come from. The second choice a much more ambitious one- one that could leave me with absolutely nothing.. literally. if I fail. I have had this second life in the back of my mind coupled with the thought of “what if?” What could happen if I risk everything, my husband and my home included to try and chase this career for lack of better term. It seems that I am at this fork in the road- neither way seems like it is clearly the right or wrong choice. For over a year now I have considered this, wondering.
   In the last weeks there have been many a tear shed, many a late night conversation, all unfruitful. In so many ways I just want to know which is the best path- while James has stood by waiting for me to make some sort of leap in one direction or the next. Until last week I had felt like I had his support in the sense that no matter what he would always be there in my corner cheering me on.. My ever present other half. When the finality of divorce came up- it was a shocker to me. I’m not sure what I thought would happen- mostly I think I assumed that we would just take a hiatus while I sorted through the tangled mess that has become my minds thoughts and chatter. But I always thought we would end up together. There has been nothing scarier than the thought of fully losing James. In the end I really just want him in my life- and the idea of friendship that we have built; our relationship as lovers coming in second. As I look around at the space that we have created to live within there was this yearning for something more. Automatically I would think that just being without James was the solution- but after getting a small taste of what other men are I realized very quickly that he is the one for me. Unfortunately it was a bit too late as he had stood up for himself and my lack of adequate appreciation and voiced his feelings about his lack of happiness within our coupling. In the last 8 years there has been so many positive things that were a result of us being together- and now as I stare this departure in the face I feel nothing but sorrow. I don’t want to let go of everything that we have for something that I don’t even know will work.
     We have been caught up in this life of every day- losing sight of ourselves within our relationship. True I have no other relationships to compare to this one- but I think it has been pretty amazing for the most part. Sure we have had many things that we could have done without- many things that we struggled to overcome. But when I look at the man that I married I see now more than ever what an amazing man he truly is. He is someone that I not willing to give up; not quite yet. I know that I am asking and expecting too much of just one person, but is it too much really? He has said that I have to prove to him that I want to be with him. I’m not sure what I can do to ease his mind and make him believe me. I know that the way our relationship has shifted in these two months- minus the pain and suffering- has really been amazing. He is enjoying his time and freedom as much as I am- but for me it is just showing me where we can improve. Being married isn’t about losing who you are and just become this one person... its the two people who bring very different things to the table coming together for something much greater than that. The ability to share a life together- but still being the people that we are and want to become.
     There is still so much of me that is left uncovered. Yoga has led me to this path or self discovery, but I don’t feel like I need to leave the man I love to accomplish finding out all of these things.
     During our conversation this afternoon of everything, James said that he regretted the fact that we got married when we did. This statement, even though it was an innocent one, was so hurtful. To think that there could be any regret about who and what we have become made me ache. Yes things would have been different- but would they have been better? The way that things played out happened for a reason. There have been times that I questioned why James and I had stayed together- that thought of what if.. once again. But when it comes right down to it, James has made me a better person, has been my biggest cheerleader, my rock and my family. When things were completely out of control he was the voice of reason. There where times where I felt like I was held back- but really I was pushed forward.
    So now I’m here standing in front of the fire. When all I want is to have BOTH. I want the man I married, the man that I love more than anything in the whole world- AND the ability to share this practice of yoga, which will lead me to have a life of constant motion- a life that he wants no part of.  How can you love two things so much that are so completely different? Why can’t I just choose one? Why can’t he want this too? Can’t there be a happy medium- one that can make us both happy and fulfilled?
      James wants to have a family- which is something that I want with him as well- just not right at this moment. But do I take the chance and do that with him hoping that I can still make a go at being this yoga teacher? Or do I just hope that if we split ways now so I can attempt the teaching and that we will end up together if that is in the cards for us. The thought of him doing that with anyone else makes me sick...
   I’m just stuck in this never ending circle now.. I just don’t know what to do.

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