Saturday, July 9, 2011

I swear I will..

Post more often.

A whirlwind of a tornado has swept over my life.. It’s a good thing. In the last two months my life has dramatically changed more than I ever thought possible. Yogaslackers teacher training led me to discover a whole lot about who I am and who I want to be. Ultimately it’s about wanting to chase after life- I really want to go for it, Balls to the wall. James and I are currently separated, which was a product of this self realization. I’m unemployed. I’m meeting tons of amazing people- the members of Barefoot Truth and thier families whom welcomed me like an adopted child. They have housed me and fed me all out of the kindness of their hearts- without asking for anything in return.. EK, whom is seriously a kindred spirit- going through much of this along with me. I surfed for the first time yesterday and KILLED it.. sure I’m no pro but for a first time out I was pretty darn good if I say so myself! I’m allowing myself to be completely open to whatever possibilities come my way- this is a huge one. Part of the reason that James and I are separated is that I have never been on my own. Sure we have been together but I have been with him since I was 17-25.. in that time frame one changes so much and I kind of lost myself in our relationship. There is something to be said for working hard on the bond that you have with someone else- but with that I never fully developed the person that I want or and supposed to be. Over the last two months I have seen just a small glimpse into this person and I have to say that I really like what I’m seeing.
    That is not to say that there isn’t so much work to be done- that really goes without saying. But what I am saying is that I want to be whole. There is a part of me that has never really come out of the shell. But  as time has gone one that little part has been pecking and clawing her way to the surface. I will say that my yoga practice has greatly increased her strength- however it has also made me completely vulnerable. This is such a good thing- since I have kept myself at arms length from so many people for no reason other than I’m sensitive and I don’t want to be hurt.. But opening myself up in that way has really brought me so much more that I am completely willing to give it 100%. Sure leaving a life where I have a stable home and husband and pretty much a comfortable situation seems a bit extreme- and maybe I will look back and think that it was the wrong thing to do. But I have to try. I will regret NOT trying way more than giving it everything that I have. I want to work on myself and figure out what I need to study- both spiritually and physically. The physical part of my life is my comfort zone- But when I was pushed so much to my brink physically- the truth about what I was holding on to and hiding came RUSHING out- and I was not ready for that.
    During that time I leaned on the shoulders of the new friends and family that I became a part of durning teacher training. At the time I just needed that contact, that unconditional friendship- because unlike friends back home who all know and love James this people were only invested in me.. I really connected with Dan- and because of the way things went we unfortunately no longer are connected.

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