Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Turning self-destructive into self-motivation

 Isn’t it true that when we are in stressful situations we immediately begin self-destructive behavior? In the past my first instinct has been to restrict what I’m eating and focus on whats wrong with my body. The two go hand in had of course- and it’s the one thing in this life I have alway been able to control. In my teen years I would restrict everything that went into my body. As I got older- I realized that I didn’t want to starve myself any longer- and this is when I became a vegan. This seemed like a happy middle ground. There was still restriction, still “rules” that I would follow- any way to keep my disordered eating in check. My first bout with veganism led me to lose a crap load of weight, and become really unhealthy. I started to lose hair in clumps and had my hip bones protruding inches from my body. Eventually I started to feel so shitty- tired and miserable that I ate meat again for a month or two, and went to a vegetarian lifestyle. That lasted a year or so before I once again went down the same road. This time I was smarted about it- I would eat lots of veggies and started to really love cooking. But after 4 years of this life when I began to focus more on getting my body healthy thru yoga and working out more and more- that life no longer suited me. I started to DREAM about eating sushi.. Raw tuna in particular.. I would wake up just wanting to eat this- during this time I started to have alot of stomach issues, tons of pain no matter what I ate. I was munching on tums multiple times a day. I went to the doctor- everything seemed ok, except that I was told I had an ulcer. Eventually after weeks of dreaming about this fish I ate two pieces... I swear my body was so excited- and it didn’t reject it. Instead after weeks of contemplation- I started to eat eggs and dairy.. For the first time in a while my body was running much more smoothly. Instead of ignoring what it was trying to tell me, I listened, and everything with my stomach got so much better. I felt stronger and more able to do the things that I wanted to do. More yoga, strength training and cardio. Shortly after I went to teacher training and felt better than I had in a long time. I was not only feed my body I was listening to it and feeding my soul.. Yoga had led me to this.
    Teacher training pushed me to see what was going on inside- which ultimately led to all of these changes that I have mentioned with my life. Unfortunately it also led to so much pain during this self-discovery period and I started to smoke cigarettes to deal with the stress of it all. Dealing with everything has of course been so much harder than I anticipated- and probably because it really came as a surprise to me.. all of these emotions that I have been holding inside were thrown into my face like a huge wave crashing into me. There is no other way to deal than to dive right into it.
   However- smoking isn’t the way that I want to take these things on. Why can’t I be strong enough to just deal with them? I know that I am- and I’m letting go of this crutch from this moment on. It doesn’t support the lifestyle that I am seeking.. So as this new person emerges- I am knowingly going to change my patterns. I’m going to eat what is good for my body- drink what is good for my body and really focus on putting in positive action.
   As I write this I am setting down the outline for what I want to be. Coco is a strong girl who will be 100% honest, 100% of the time. Bottom line.. The cigarette that I just put out, will be the last. Just like eating the right foods will heal me, so will making healthy decisions. I’m not going to sit back and let life happen to me because I’m afraid of failure. That’s just stupid- and I’m NOT going to let myself take the easy way out..
  I am strong, smart, determined, and just way better than that. I must do things and make decisions to support the life I want.. not destroy it.. I’m turning it around right now- I will self motivate and I will achieve anything I wish to.

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