Such a large part of a yoga practice is self study. For years I’ve always wondered about and kind of faked this part. Sure I can bust out some intense yoga asana, but ask me to sit and meditate for just 5 minutes and my skin crawls after 30 seconds. I’ve always had this untamed amount of energy just pulsing within me. I’ve been drawn to activities that help to regulate the flow of this prana- and even in my yoga practice I focus of vigorous vinyasa (flow) based practice. I have not been rounded at all when it comes to my practice or in life. I’m balls to the wall- intense and determined to do whichever asana alludes me.
Mediation and stillness allude me more than any part of my yoga practice. Now I’m not saying that I want to sit and meditate for 20 minutes- yeah right, hah! But maybe someday it will happen. I’m trying to focus on the small accomplishments first. Let’s start with 5 minutes shall we? When reading through the Bhagavad Gita this morning I came across this:
“Having attained peace, he becomes free from misery; for when the mind gains peace, right discrimination follows. Right discrimination is not for him who cannot concentrate, there cannot be meditation; he who cannot meditate must not expect peace; and without peace, how can anyone expect happiness?
How can I expect happiness in my current state? I have been told and told; people have attempted to FORCE me into meditation and stillness without success, surely because they have seen it’s exactly what I need. But we can’t help or force someone who needs help, to be helped. If I can’t sit with myself for 5 minutes and find some sort of contentment, how can I ever find contentment within my life as a whole?
Having been driven by my need to accomplish physical feats I have missed the whole point. This is not only a physical journey- but largely (esp. for me) a mental and spiritual journey. It’s so much simpler for me to focus on that which I am already good at. But the mind... well that is a whole other story.
From the beginning of my teaching I have had expectations of what it was going to look like, what I was going to accomplish..The fact of the matter was I was viewing teaching as a way to make a living- Yes it does need to be that for me as well. However it’s more about how yoga feeds me, and what sharing of yoga can do for me as well. Who cares if I can do 100 Chaturanga’s? Sure maybe they would be impressed- but not if they knew I couldn’t sit still for a simple meditation, or a gentle yoga class.
“Let not the fruit of your action be your motive; nor yet be enamored of inaction. Perform all your actions with the mind concentrated on the Divine, renouncing attachment and looking upon success and failure with an equal eye. Spirituality implies equanimity.”
I have veered away from things that I knew I had the potential to fail. Why? Because I care about the result. What will people think if I fail? How will I feel??? Learning to be detached from the result is a hard lesson but one that is so important. The thought of not trying things because of this need to succeed is ridiculous. Whether success or failure is the result, the fact is that there is something to be learned, growth that will be made no matter what the end result.
Jason once told me that the general idea or goal of what you want or who you want to be is great to have. If we look upon it as the idea or starting point that puts us on the path. There needs to be no attachment to that specific thing- but focus on the journey itself. During the journey the end result that you thought you wanted may change- but the thing to take away is that it led you to where you are at this moment.
Where you are at this moment is where you need to be.