During my session today I was told that I was having a re-lapse. Much like those who have a drug or alcohol addiction. I went in and sat on the Ikea couch, said hello like usual, and then sat there.. speechless for most of the hour. Right from the beginning I felt antsy and uncomfortable in my own skin. First I was hot, so I took my scarf and sweater off. I sat on my hands, I fiddled with tissues like I always do folding, unfolding, refolding.. I starred around the room- anywhere but at Stacy… But I could feel her eyes peering at me as if they were burning a hold through my layers of clothing and skin right to my core.
I just wanted her to ask me something, start the conversation.. Its so much easier that way- just answering questions, being told what to think about or what to look deeper into. But she didn’t. She wanted me to give myself a minute as I just kept saying, “I don’t know what to talk about”- But really a minute wasn’t going to help, 15 minutes didn’t.. and even after she finally started to make attempts to pull something out of me… it still didn’t help.
I’m not sure what exactly happened. This week has been a weird one for me.. Tuesday after the gym I stated in bed all day.. From 8am until 4pm, I watched Gilmore Girls and napped. In that time I mostly thought about how I was guilty for being so lazy, that I felt like a slug. But then I was a little proud of myself for taking a break- though lets me honest I would have never taken a day to rest had it been my choice, I was forced into it. I feel forced into a lot of things at times. Working at Denny’s, living in RI, continuing to own a house, buying a new car (because James had crashed ours and we had no other choice) the list could go on..
So often I feel like I’m pushing and pushing to be something, to be someone.. I don’t want to just be.. I want to be special. But instead I’m just pushed- and at times I am strong enough to push back and try to stand up and continue on.. most of the time I end up right on my ass. I know that I want to be able to see myself for who I really am. I want to realize my potential. I want to be the kind of person that people think highly of. I want to be happy. The past few days I haven’t felt that.
I’m struggling to study, which makes me feel bad about myself.. Why? Because I take meds to help me focus, but as it turns out- not being able or being good at studying isn’t going to change because I’m taking meds.. Oh no- I’m one of the lucky ones who will always fundamentally struggle with studying, like it’s not part of my DNA.. I’m fucked either way.. but I’m studying to get a job doing something that I really love.. and because it is hard and I’m struggling I’m just “cashing in” as Stacy says.. I’m giving up. I know that she’s right, but it fucking pisses me off.
I hate that she has it all figured out.. That for her, telling me that I don’t have to be a waitress and that I didn’t have the right kind of support growing up is causing me to deal with myself the same way they would deal with me.. I’m just this little screaming child thats trying to get some attention, any attention, even my own. I know that all I’ve ever wanted was to be important, to be special.. I have always known that.. but now I get the added benefit of the guilt that comes along with blaming my parents for never getting that and for not being able to give it to myself.. Thats fucking great.. one more thing I need on my shoulders.
So yeah.. maybe I am cashing in..
I spend way too much time and energy thinking about what could have been, or what I could be- but I give up when I’m trying to actually BE.. I get stuck in the comparison trap.. the nobody likes me or loves me trap.. I’ve built a fucking bunker of excuses and why me’s, tucked away for a rainy day. Apparently I’ve been stocking up for a “relapse” after all. I think being addicted to drugs and alcohol might actually be easier.. and at least then you have an escape, even if it’s only for a little while.
So now what? Go on Pintrest and look up quotes that say things like “It’s never too late to become who you’re supposed to be” and slap on a fake smile while I head to the coffee shop to study this stupid bullshit that I don’t fucking remember?
Yup, that’s the plan..