Friday, July 15, 2011

Who’s inside?

“Let him seek liberation by the help of his highest self, and let him never disgrace his own self. For that self is his only friend; yet it may also be his enemy.”

“There, where the whole nature is seen in the light of the self, where the person abides within his self and is satisfied, there, its functions restrained by its union with the Divine, the mind finds rest.”

“It is not possible to attain self-realization if a man does not know how to control himself; but for him who, striving by proper means, learns such control, it is possible.”

    Think highly of yourself/ see who you really are and have self control. Ah yes- two things that I have been working on for a LONG time. Self control is the easier of the two for me, though I haven’t been showing much of it lately have I? I ended up smoking a cigarette yesterday and I felt so sick for at least 1/2 an hour- I felt like I was going to vomit, Yum. I can’t even tell you why I smoked it, I just felt like it and thought- it isn’t a big deal.. But afterwards I felt disgusting and weak. Hey I’m human- I can have a moment of weakness- and I’m moving on, simple as that.

    Thinking highly of myself and seeing who I really am is very challenging. I’ve had many talks with so many people, mostly relating to the way my body looks on the outside. Jason and I talked so many times about my skewed body image, but also my negative attitude about myself as a person. I used to constantly be negative about everything that I was doing/ trying to do. Don’t get me wrong I still get that way but I’ve been actively working on it and have been getting much better at giving myself credit for the things I’m accomplishing. When someone you look up to so much tells you that your awesome and  that they have never seen anyone learn and accomplish acrobatics as quickly as you have (when they have taught thousands of people) you have to take that to heart. Jason has spent so much time with me in that way- talking to me and letting my cry and get things off my chest. I really don’t think I can repay him for all of the life changes that he has talked me through or allowed me to realize.
    I constantly go through these feelings of not being accepted, not being a part of what I so badly want to be. I always think that people don’t want me around- or that they don’t like me. This has stopped me from reaching out to people- and let me tell you, asking for help or human connection is one of the hardest things to do. Putting yourself out there exposed and vulnerable sucks, right? Yes it does- but if I have learned one thing, it’s part of the human condition- everyone has at one point or another felt the same exact way. We are not always willing to be honest with ourselves or others when it comes to this.. We always want to put up this front that we are super strong, nothing can touch or hurt us, we are independent... But the fact is that we all crave human connections. We have been making connections from the moment we were born- each and every single person that we have met in this life has had something to share or impart into our lives. Even the negative interactions have taught us something.
        Every path in my life that led me to meet the Yogaslackers- all of my struggles of teaching yoga, the feeling of just giving up, and the last urge to follow this yogic path- were intensely challenging. Looking back on them now, I know that it was all for a greater purpose. I met these amazing people and with that I ended up learning so much, not just because of them- but really they were the vehicle which helped me to attain a higher self. They nurtured and consoled me and they continue to be an amazing support... To them I will be forever grateful for pushing me to really look inside of myself to realize and see what is already there.
       Let us make a conscious effort to find what already lies within us, because that person is amazing.

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